Lies and Liquor
by New Decade
Summary: Calleigh's thoughts and actions after "Bad Seed"


This is a little story about how Calleigh felt after "Bad Seed"

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

* * *

Magazine. Slide. Trigger.

_Bang!_

Trigger.

_Bang!_

Trigger.

_Bang!_

Three test fires, done. She pressed the button and dropped the magazine from the handle, then pulled the slide one last time to make sure the chamber was empty before placing them on the table. She removed the safety goggles and earmuffs, setting them next to the gun and empty magazine.

Calleigh looked over her shoulder at the clock. It was ten at night. She had taken on an extra shift to avoid doing nothing at home and to clear her mind, but she was fast realizing that was pointless. She wrapped up her work in the firearms lab and walked down to the locker room.

To everyone else at CSI, the locker room was a place to say good morning when you first arrive and see you tomorrow when the day ended. But for her, thanks to a few hours ago, it was a place of goodbye.

* * *

Calleigh was about to leave, after finishing up a few cases, she heard Eric on the other side of the lockers. She had already figured out what he was doing, she knew this was goodbye for him at the crime lab.

"What about you and me?" she asked. She, deep down, already knew the answer. The way he'd been acting all day, how distant he seemed, she knew. But she had to be sure, for once, hoping she was wrong.

But when he looked back up at her, she knew he didn't have to say anything. She, actually, didn't want to hear him say the words. She just smiled through her hurt and acted like she understood.

"You know me too well," Eric said. They exchanged one last kiss and one last embrace. Calleigh didn't want to let go, but she knew she had to. This final moment ended way too fast. Then he walked out the door not looking back.

It was not just goodbye to the crime lab, but goodbye to Calleigh.

* * *

Calleigh pulled out her purse from her locker and pulled out her car keys. She walked down the wall of lockers and happened to glance at Eric's now vacant locker. His nameplate had all ready been removed; the space was now empty. Calleigh didn't look at for more than a couple of moments before continuing out the door.

The second she opened her door to her home, she wanted to close it and drive back to CSI. But the fear of thinking herself a coward pulled her into the place she once thought home. But Eric had been here and his presence was still strong, even though he wouldn't be coming tonight…or any other night.

Calleigh wondered, like a ghost, through her living room until she reached her bedroom. Calleigh kicked off her heels and set her purse on the vanity. She changed into some comfortable jogging pants and a tank top. She did all this mechanically, her head and heart painted by the pain of saying goodbye.

Goodbye. Something she was getting too familiar with. Goodbye to Tim Speedle, John Hagen, Peter Elliot, Jake Berkeley, and, now, Eric Delko. Calleigh wasn't going to let this happen to her again, if she and Eric ended this way, she knew no one else was going to be able to make her feel so happy, so whole…so in love.

This was the end of heartache. She had had it. Calleigh had never felt this bad, this was the _worst _pain she had ever felt. She wasn't going to set herself up for feeling this again.

Sighing, Calleigh turned back to her bed, hoping sleeping would numb the pain; like water on a burn. But when she saw the bed, she saw a lump of fabric under it, it was only slightly exposed to the outside world. Calleigh crouched down by the bed and pulled it out. Sitting on her bed, she let the gray material unfold in her hands. It was a T-shirt, but it was too big to be hers. Her breath caught and her fists clenched around the shirt as she pulled it into her.

It was Eric's shirt.

It was one of the old shirts he wore when he had stayed over for one of the nights he was at her house. Those nights were the ones she would never forget. When it was just he and her alone, it was like no one else in the world.

Calleigh remembered, more than once, waking up with her head on his chest, his heart beating beneath her ear. She remembered his hand stroking her golden hair over the pale skin of her bare back and his lips against the top of her head. She would reflexively tighten her arms around him, wishing this moment would never end.

But all good things must die, Calleigh realized as she tried to unwind her fingers from the cotton that was still clasped in her hands. But her fingers were frozen. Her mind tried everything to loosen her grip, but every fiber in he body told her that if she let go of this shirt, she would let go of the last memory of Eric.

Wanting to hold onto that shirt just made her pain and anguish worse, but she pulled it over her head and let herself be surrounded by Eric. The shirt came down to her knees as she hugged it closer to her.

Somewhere between picking the shirt up and pulling it on, it hit her. This was the closest she was ever going to be to Eric again. That this was truly goodbye, it was truly over, it was truly the end.

The end.

From out of nowhere, an invisible train of pain, heartache, anger, despair, every negative feeling you could think of, hit Calleigh in the chest. She had never felt so depressed before. She had found hell.

A sob escaped her lips and tears built up in her eyes, they followed down her face. She jumped off her bed and stormed through the house, through the dark, until she reached the kitchen. She flipped on one light over the sink and opened the cabinet above it.

* * *

This cabinet had been home to a Scotch, one of the few containers of alcohol in her home. The Scotch in which had always been a comfort in a small way. When the day had been especially unpleasant she would pull it down and have a few drinks. Not many, she had made it her life mission not to become like her father, but sometimes she just needed some source of comfort you couldn't find in people.

When Hagen committed suicide, she bought the Scotch and had a few glasses. When she had been run off the road, she took a shot or two. When Eric first got shot and lost his memory, she drank. Then again, when Jake said goodbye. She had thought Jake would put up a better fight than to end their relationship because of a rule. Calleigh also thought she would have had a drink after the incident on her day off when someone held a gun to her head and had to kill the driver. But the idea of alcohol was all but repulsive to her, even though drinking had nothing to do with the incident (not that Stetler would believe her). She drank again after being kidnapped, when Alexx left MDPD and when Horatio got shot.

Calleigh had only drank one time after that, after she witnessed William's death. After that, Eric had been there. When she had been in the hospital, she knew they had to be one; she couldn't hide or deny it anymore. All the problems after that hadn't called for the Scotch's comfort, she had Eric for that.

Then Eric almost died again, only this time she was the one behind the gun. Calleigh went and drank a quarter of it afterward. She still held some guilt for that. She thought, that if she hadn't pulled that trigger, Eric would still be here with her.

* * *

Calleigh had counted on the Scotch at the odd time to numb her pain, just a little. But no amount of alcohol consumed would numb this pain, for lack of a better word, so she wouldn't experiment.

Eric was gone.

Which meant one thing…he lied.

He said, after she was kidnapped, he wouldn't of known what he would of done if he had lost her. He said that her friendship meant a lot to him. And when she was in the hospital…she could hear his voice while she was unconscious. His voice weaving through the cracks in the wall that separated her from the outside world, it had almost been a dreamlike quality.

"I can't picture going to work without you," he had said. Then he said what he was truly thinking, each word was painted with deep emotion. "I can't picture my life without you."

Maybe back then he couldn't, but now…obviously he could, and he was. For he was gone, along with everything they had.

Trust.

Friendship.

Faith.

Love.

Gone.

Gone, in the course of one bitter afternoon and a three minute conversation.

Apparently, he could live if he lost her, her friendship now meant nothing and he could picture his life without her.

Yes, he had lied.

But she still felt the deepest sense of loss she had ever known. The Scotch sat on the counter, waiting to be drunk. To numb someone's pain.

Calleigh knew there was no point, this pain wouldn't numb if she had all the liquor in the world. There was no point in even trying, so she wouldn't allow herself to be tempted.

Calleigh started to cry, no…sob. Sobbed like she hadn't in years. Sob rolled over sob in her chest, making it hard to breathe. Tears rolled out of her eyes and down her cheeks. Her ears were ringing and her whole body was shaking.

Calleigh got a hold of herself to pick up the bottle and twist off the cap. She grabbed the cold glass of the bottle and lifted it over the sink.

Not giving it a second thought, she tipped it over, letting the rest of the Scotch fall.

Goodbye to the Scotch was goodbye to everything else. And everything fell with each tear.

Goodbye to pain.

Goodbye to lies.

Goodbye to Eric.

Goodbye to love.

Calleigh cried harder as she realized the last two.

The bronze liquid mixed with her tears and ran down the drain and disappeared.

* * *

I know I may make Eric seem like a huge jerk, that is defiantly **NOT** my intention. I love Eric Delko to death and I'm so, so, **SO** jazzed Adam Rodriguez is returning to season 9 (hopefully Eric and Calleigh can work things out), i just felt like writing this piece. I hope you guys liked it.

Please review.


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